just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
