how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
