even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
