Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
