Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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