Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
