I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize