So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize