is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
