Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
