An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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