I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize