I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We're too hungover to prance.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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