just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Everclear isn't food dammit
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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