I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
