I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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