Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
