i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize