I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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