You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
