I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
