Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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