I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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