Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
