My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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