I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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