She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't deserve a penis
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
