Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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