Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
