I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the day after is always just damage control
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
