Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
