3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
