Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
