First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
