Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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