i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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