Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
