i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
