vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
