Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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