Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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