I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
