I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize