True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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