Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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