Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
do herpes really smell.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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