woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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