Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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