Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
