it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We need to get me chipped asap
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
