I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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