nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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