you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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