I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
