One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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