Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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