i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
