There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
