You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
