dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I need water and some morals
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
