you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize