I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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